Articles

Marriage Rules We Inherited

What Should We Preserve, Renegotiate, or Retire?

By Dr. Roselyn Ogalle Kigen, PhD · August 19, 2026

What if some of the marriage advice we give newlyweds was written for a world that no longer exists?

I recently read an article exploring 11 outdated marriage rules that Gen X needs to stop giving newlyweds. It made me pause.

Not because I believe everything from previous generations is outdated. But because it raises a much more important question: Which marriage values are timeless, which are culturally inherited, and which need to be renegotiated for the realities of contemporary African marriages?

As a Marriage and Family Therapist, I believe this is one of the conversations couples need to have before they say “I do,” not only after they discover that they have very different ideas about what marriage means.

1. We don’t enter marriage empty-handed

Most couples do not begin marriage with only their partner. They bring their families, their faith, culture, childhood experiences, understanding of gender, experiences of love and conflict, expectations about money and ideas about parenting. And often, a long list of unspoken rules.

“The husband provides.”
“The wife manages the home.”
“Never disagree in public.”
“Keep family problems within the family.”
“Have children quickly.”
“Respect your in-laws at all costs.”
“Marriage means sacrifice.”
“A good wife keeps her husband happy.”

Some of these ideas may contain wisdom. But wisdom becomes problematic when it becomes a rigid rule that prevents two adults from negotiating how their particular marriage will work.

This is particularly important for African couples. A 2024 study examining marriage enrichment among Black African couples in South Africa found “a strong need for such programs and highlighted the importance of integrating traditional cultural contexts with contemporary relationship practices.”

That resonates deeply with me; we do not need to abandon African values; we need to help couples examine them.

So, what should we preserve?

We should preserve the values that give marriage its foundation: Commitment, Faithfulness, Responsibility, Sacrificial love, Honor, Forgiveness, Perseverance, Family.

These are not outdated, but we must also be careful not to confuse:

commitment with silence,

sacrifice with self-erasure,

submission with inequality,

or perseverance with tolerating harm.

A strong marriage requires both love and wisdom.

2. What does our faith say?

For Christian couples, this conversation becomes even more important because we must distinguish between biblical principles and cultural interpretations of biblical marriage.

Ephesians 5 is sometimes reduced to: “Wives, submit to your husbands.”

But the passage begins with: “Submit to one another out of reverence for Christ.”

It then calls husbands to a sacrificial love.

The biblical picture is therefore much larger than a simple hierarchy. It includes responsibility, humility, self-giving, love and care.

And 1 Corinthians 13 gives us a relational picture of love that is patient, kind, not self-seeking, not easily angered and committed to truth.

Perhaps the question for Christian couples should therefore not simply be: “Who is in charge?”

But: “Does the way we treat each other reflect the kind of love we profess to believe in?”

What should we renegotiate?

3. Household roles

One of the most common inherited assumptions is that women naturally carry responsibility for the home.

But today’s couples may both be working, building careers, raising children, supporting extended family, running businesses, and carrying invisible emotional and mental responsibilities.

So instead of asking: “What is a wife supposed to do?”

Perhaps couples should ask: “How will we divide responsibility fairly in our marriage?”

Who cooks, who cleans, who manages the children’s schedules, who handles the bills, who remembers school requirements, who carries the mental load, who supports the extended family.

These are not merely household questions. They are marriage questions.

4. What about money?

Another inherited rule is that once you marry, everything must automatically be combined.

But couples can have different approaches to financial management.

What matters is not that every couple uses the same system. What matters is transparency, trust, accountability, and shared financial goals. Money should not become a hidden source of power. Couples need to talk about debt, savings, giving, investments, family obligations, lifestyle expectations, and financial independence. Before the wedding, not after the first financial crisis.

5. What about children?

For many African families, marriage and parenthood are closely connected. Sometimes the wedding is barely over before someone asks: “So, when are the babies coming?”

But family expectations should not replace couple decision-making. Children are one of the most important conversations a couple can have:

Do we want children?

When? How many?

What names will we give them?

How will we parent?

What happens if fertility becomes difficult?

How will our faith influence our parenting?

These conversations belong to the couple.

6. And then there are the in-laws…

African marriage is rarely only about two individuals. Family can be a tremendous source of support, belonging, and wisdom. But marriage also requires boundaries.

Honoring parents does not mean letting them run the marriage.

Couples need to discuss:

Where will holidays be spent?

How will financial requests from extended family be handled?

What information about the marriage remains private?

Who participates in major decisions?

How will disagreements with in-laws be managed?

These are not disrespectful conversations. They are preventive conversations.

7. What should we retire?

Perhaps one of the most damaging marriage rules is: “Keep the marriage together at all costs.”

Yes, marriage deserves perseverance. Yes, couples should learn to repair rather than abandon a relationship at the first sign of difficulty.

But perseverance does not mean normalising abuse, coercion, repeated betrayal or persistent emotional harm.

Commitment requires wisdom. Marriage needs both grace and truth.

8. And perhaps we should retire another idea

“You only need counselling when your marriage is failing.”

Research on marriage and relationship education gives us an interesting picture.

A large meta-analysis found that “relationship education can positively affect relationship quality and communication skills, with stronger effects associated with programs involving moderate levels of participation.”

Another meta-analysis specifically examining premarital education found more nuanced evidence: premarital programs appear particularly helpful for couples’ communication, while the evidence for long-term relationship satisfaction is more mixed.

That is an important distinction.

Premarital counselling is not a guarantee of a perfect marriage. It is preparation.

It creates a space for couples to slow down, examine assumptions, learn skills and have conversations that may otherwise be postponed until conflict forces them to happen.

Researchers have described premarital education as “an opportunity to help couples deliberate, communicate that marriage matters, and learn options for seeking help later when difficulties arise.”

That is exactly why I believe preparation matters.

This is where Vows & Values comes in.

In developing the Vows & Values Premarital Workbook, I do not intend to give couples another checklist of things to discuss before their wedding. It can serve as a starting point for these conversations, alongside structured premarital counseling and marriage enrichment sessions.

The deeper question is: What are you actually promising each other, and what values will guide you when marriage becomes difficult?

Because vows are powerful.

But vows alone do not teach us how to communicate, how to manage conflict, how to negotiate differences, how to discuss money, how to establish boundaries, how to express emotional needs, how to navigate family expectations, how to make decisions together, how to repair after hurting one another, and how to keep choosing the relationship through different seasons of life.

Your wedding may last a day. Your marriage is the life you are preparing for.

See the Vows & Values Workbook

References

Blanchard, V. L., Hawkins, A. J., Baldwin, S. A., & Fawcett, E. B. (2009). Investigating the effects of marriage and relationship education on couples’ communication skills: A meta-analytic study. Journal of Family Psychology, 23(2), 203–214.
Fawcett, E. B., Hawkins, A. J., Blanchard, V. L., & Carroll, J. S. (2010). Do premarital education programs really work? A meta-analytic study. Family Relations, 59(3), 232–239.
Hawkins, A. J., Blanchard, V. L., Baldwin, S. A., & Fawcett, E. B. (2008). Does marriage and relationship education work? A meta-analytic study. Journal of Consulting and Clinical Psychology, 76(5), 723–734.
Hawkins, A. J., Stanley, S. M., Blanchard, V. L., & Albright, M. (2012). Exploring programmatic moderators of the effectiveness of marriage and relationship education programs: A meta-analytic study. Behavior Therapy, 43(1), 77–87.
Neswiswa, N., et al. (2024). Hearing the voices of Black Africans: Essential components for culturally relevant marriage enrichment programs in South Africa. Journal of Marital and Family Therapy.
Stanley, S. M. (2001). Making a case for premarital education. Family Relations, 50(3), 272–280.
Biblical references: Genesis 2:24; Ephesians 5:21–33; 1 Corinthians 13:4–8.

Originally published on LinkedIn.

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